I feel like I am stuck in some weird cycle of uni/work/uni/work and I can't take pleasure in pleasure... I dont know if this is just me, being too strict on myself. Wanting to look perfect get perfect marks perform perfectly at uni ... there is so much pressure in society right now on females and perfection. Its not good enough to just look perfect and run a perfect household like the women of the 50's had to. There is now the pressure of your own career, a higher education, to be cultured and travel and live outside the box while some how mantaining this ever elusive perfection (or appearance of ...)
I can hardly put into words how much this idealism of perfection affects me. I admit it is a pressure I put on myself. I am constantly told by my family I study too much, I put myself down when it comes to my appearance while others reassure me I look good, I judge my writing harshly while others genuinly enjoy it... I think I am begining to see a pattern here.
In the struggle to reach and or maintain perfection, I am losing the ability to be happy and enjoy anything. Not much point in perfection if you're perfectly unhappy.
That said I feel a lot happier with a fresh dye job, new hair style, a new tattoo piece, new ensemble to wear out. I dont exactly 'like' getting stared at all the time but it's a small price to pay to dress the way I want and express myself. Confidence comes in many shapes and forms and for me confidence is platform boots a trench coat and a corset. Teased hair and bright dyes, fake eye lashes and fresh tattoos. Each to their own I suppose.
I hope this funk dissipates by next week. As next week is make over week I am sure it will. Superficial yes, but knowing I will have enough money to pay bills get tattooed and get my hair done is a huge weight off my shoulders. I dont even think I can explain it properly... but sometimes that confidence boost has to be superficial... to help you work harder study harder write better and open up your mind to new ways of thinking and posibilities. To give me the confidence to be the best me I can be, and get closer to perfection.
Yep this blog has come full circle.
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